Your Emotional Limbo
Many people are full of energy one day, starting new projects with excitement, and just in a few days struggle to get out of bed.
Their highs turn into lows and their energy and motivation overall are unstable or low.
This doesn’t necessarily mean they’re dealing with bipolar disorder. In many cases, it might simply be an emotional regulation issue.
Stamina, life energy, or vigor are more stable in people with good emotional regulation.
Emotional regulation = How easily you recover from strong emotions.
Emotional Regulation Can be Trained.
There’s a belief that people are either naturally good or bad at regulating their emotions, as if it’s an innate trait—fixed and unchangeable.
But emotional regulation is a skill that can be developed, no matter where you’re starting from—even if you’ve struggled with it your entire life.
To develop this skill, it’s important to first address a few misconceptions.
Myth #1: "What I Feel Is Me"
When you’re happy, angry, upset, or afraid, it feels so genuine, strong, and authentic that you experience it as if it is you.
You say, “I am happy,” or “I am angry.” You don’t normally say, “I feel happiness,” because that sounds strange and less authentic.
And in that moment, you are indeed authentically happy or angry—laughing with butterflies in your stomach or feeling your blood boil in your head.
Of course this is you!
“However, when you are happy or angry and aware of it, there is something else happening within you that you are not aware of. You unconsciously rate two aspects of your existence in that moment: you rate yourself and the world around you.”
This evaluation happens on a scale:
You rate yourself on a scale from in control (strong and powerful) to out of control (weak and helpless).
You rate the world on a scale from giving (generous and kind) to taking away (hostile and aggressive).
Although you’re not consciously aware of it, you perform this evaluation constantly:
You rate the world.
You rate yourself.
You rate the interaction between yourself and the world.
And this evaluation is expressed through the mood or emotion you feel.
“Because you interact with different people and situations, you change this evaluation all the time. You don’t even need to interact with anyone in real life—just imagining people or circumstances can change your evaluation and your emotions several times a day.”
So, what you feel is NOT you. It is simply the location on the emotional map created by your unconscious ratings.
Myth #2: "People Good at Controlling Emotions Lose Spontaneity and Authenticity"
I’ve heard people say they prefer 'honest emotions”, comparing them to someone who is composed and controlled and calling that being cold.
There are two problems with this logic:
Being overwhelmed by emotions does not mean you’re being genuine or spontaneous. It simply means your emotions are controlling your life. You are like a sock in a dryer—spinning around, being taken places without choice.
Controlling your emotions doesn’t mean you don’t experience them. People who are good at emotional regulation experience emotions even more deeply. There is no hidden anxiety or fear of emotions. You enjoy riding the horse much more when you know how to control it.
“Emotional regulation is not about not feeling or being indifferent. Emotional regulation is about not being dragged by emotions, not being stuck in emotional limbo, and not losing yourself.”
The EmoMap
On the Emotional Map, there are four quadrants representing four main emotional states (full map with detailed emotions is here). More about Emomap concept is here.
Each of 4 states demonstrates the interaction of two perspectives:
World perspective: changes from generous to hostile.
Self-perspective: changes from in control to out of control.
How to Use EmoMap to Train Emotional Regulation
Understand the Center:
The center of the map is the optimal state. It’s your point of stability, where you acknowledge that the world can be both generous and hostile, and that you can be both in control and helpless.
Practice Returning to the Center:
It’s important to experience the full range of emotions. Emotional regulation isn’t about avoiding feelings—it’s about training yourself to return to stability after experiencing them.
Every time you come back to the center from an emotional state, you’re building resilience and strengthening your ability to self-regulate.
Visualize Your Location on the Map:
Sometimes, it’s enough to visualize the map and identify location of your current emotion.
Ask yourself:
“How far am I from the center?”
“How am I perceiving myself and the world right now?”
Understanding that this evaluation is subjective, temporary, and context-dependent can help you disengage from unwanted emotions and stay present in the emotions you want to feel.
Beware of the Gray Ring:
While it may seem safe, staying in this state for too long is risky. A person stuck in this zone for too long can be swept away by strong emotions when a significant life event occurs because they haven’t trained their ability to return to the center.
5. Recognize Emotional Limbo:
When you don’t center yourself, your emotions can behave independently, creating trajectories under the force of compensation. This results in emotional "limbo" states, where you oscillate between conflicting emotions without resolution. Some common limbo trajectories (represented by the arrows on the map) include:
Anger ↔ Guilt: Swinging between blaming others and blaming yourself.
"I’m Awesome" ↔ "I’m Disgusting": Alternating between grandiosity and self-loathing.
Anxiety ↔ Dissociation: Fluctuating between fear and emotional numbness.
