I Hate What You Love
Emotions become more complex when influenced by values and beliefs.
Look at the public reaction to the murder of a health insurance company CEO.
While morally it is right to be sad about the loss of a human life, many people were not upset. People on the Internet expressed joy or even excitement.
According to the EmoMap, their emotions reflect a worldview as providing, not hostile; as giving, not taking away.
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What can be perceived as a gain in a murder?
In this case, the perceived gains were justice and revenge.
For those who viewed the health insurance system as an oppressive or harmful force, the CEO's death symbolized the dismantling of an "evil force."
The murder was seen not merely as the loss of a human life but as an act of justice.
So, the same situation can trigger entirely different emotions depending on how people process it.
Every event we unconsciously interpret as a gain or a loss—as something giving to us or taking away.
To know your worldview in this moment, describe your emotion, and it will give you a hint.
For example, if you feel happy, excited, or ecstatic, it’s because you perceive the world as giving.
Think about the last time you felt happy: you saw a friend, watched a good movie, got a promotion, or received a message like “I love you” from someone you care about.
In each case, you experienced getting something good from the external world: a gift, a reward, a bonus, love, respect, attention, admiration.
However, as in the case of the murder of the CEO, not all human emotions are straightforward.
“The same situation that is a reward for one person might be a loss for another.”
Imagine a man coming home tired after a long day at work.
His day was awful: his customers were difficult, and his boss was particularly erratic.
The man has already spent eight hours perceiving the world as hostile. His emotions fluctuated from fear to anger.
He goes home wanting peace, comfort, and rest.
The moment he gets home, his wife wants to share every detail of her day as a stay-at-home mom of five children.
All five kids are running around and screaming, and the barking dog joins the family.
What does the man feel in this moment? How does he perceive the world? Giving or hostile?
An ideal answer is, “Of course, giving.” It is a blessing to have a great family to come back to after work.
However, in real life, it is more likely he gets irritated, angry, or disappears for a 60-minute bathroom break.
In this case, the man perceives what happens to him in the moment not as a gain but as a loss—a loss of the peace and comfort he wanted after work.
The problem doesn’t end with the man’s immediate feelings.
His emotional state triggers a chain reaction.
“We are attuned to the emotions of others. Since we use a similar scale to explain other people’s emotions as we do with our own.”
From the wife’s perspective, she was offering her husband a gain—love, connection, and family warmth.
Seeing him distant or upset, she realizes her husband’s view is not the same.
What she offers is not received as a reward by her husband.
This triggers the wife’s negative emotions. And a heated argument starts, quickly getting out of control.
As we all know, emotions can make us say things we regret later, but in the moment, nothing can stop us from saying them.
Although Tolstoy said that each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, this scenario is remarkably common.
How can this conflict be avoided?
The problem started with the man still perceiving world as hostile and needed to transition.
Sometimes we intuitively take time and do things to transition from one state to another.
The man from my example could’ve stopped by a bar before going home.
A few drinks might move his worldview from hostile to giving.
Many town bars are full of people around evening time—so this is a common solution.
However, it’s problematic in the long run.
There are other ways to regulate emotions.
But for that, one should start with learning about themselves and honestly reflecting on their own emotions.
