Midlife Sexuality Crisis
Midlife crises are symptoms of a difficult transition from one life stage to another. The area that struggles most with the transition becomes your midlife crisis target.
Typical Midlife Crisis Examples:
Career Crisis: A long-time job that no longer excites you.
Marital Crisis: A long-time spouse that no longer excites you.
Appearance Crisis: Disappointing changes in physical appearance.
Sexuality Crisis: Disappointing changes in libido or sexual attractiveness.
etc.
In life, we transition from one stage to another many times. Sometimes, for some people, a transition happens smoothly: one stage ends, and another begins without struggle.
But as many wise people have said, “All struggle comes from an inability to let go.”
We are not always ready to let go of a stage that has ended.
The Midlife Milestone
Around the ages of 45–50, we reach a significant milestone. By this point, many of us have experienced careers, families, and children. We’ve discovered who we are and what we’re capable of.
Physical and cognitive changes become more noticeable: Reproductive years end, Fluid intelligence (such as reaction speed) transitions into crystallized intelligence (knowledge and wisdom).
We may feel that we’ve reached our fullest potential in some areas while failing forever in others.
This is often the time when we ask ourselves: Is this it? Is this what life is about?
Midlife Crisis: A Conflict of Three Aspects
Like any rough life transition, a midlife crisis involves three key aspects:
Change in Physiology
Change in Self-Perception
Change in Societal Perception
Puberty is similar in this way. But while puberty is a chaotic hormonal storm, it often comes with significant societal and peer support.
What we label as a midlife crisis—like buying a convertible or divorcing a spouse—is often just an attempt to resolve internal conflict.
The transition from one form of adulthood to another—a midlife transition—is much lonelier and deeply personal. We are often left to navigate midlife crises on our own, handling them as best we can.
What Happens During a Midlife Sexuality Crisis?
Symptoms of a midlife sexuality crisis:
Decreased libido (loss of sex drive).
Changes in sexual attractiveness (perception of personal sex appeal).
While some symptoms result from hormonal changes, others are psychological, rooted in the conflict between self-perception and societal perception.
The Role of Reproductive Potential in Sexuality
Reproductive potential—the ability to have children—is highly valued in society because it ensures our survival. Yet, unlike animals, we don’t directly evaluate each other as potential mates based on reproductive capability.
Instead, humans created an additional layer: sexuality.
Sex drive and sex appeal bring us together, and while individual preferences vary, certain features are universally recognized as attractive.
Universally Recognized Attractive Traits (see research):
Women: Smooth skin, long soft hair, slender bodies, curved hips, large breasts, rounded buttocks, and flat stomachs.
Men: Broad shoulders, muscular arms and legs, square jaws, and toned abdominal muscles.
These traits correlate with vitality, health, and fertility. We are biologically wired to identify them and be drawn to them.
Gender differences are especially pronounced in midlife sexuality crises.
The Invisible Midlife Woman
Some women feel "invisible" around midlife because the collective unconscious shifts its sex drive away from individuals who are no longer of reproductive age. I was talking about it HERE and HERE.
When this change in societal perception happens, it can drag self-perception into a dark place with thoughts like, “I’m not attractive anymore” or “I’m not wanted anymore.”
Addressing a midlife sexuality crisis begins with understanding that these societal shifts are rooted in the collective unconscious.
Blaming society is neither productive nor beneficial.
Instead, the way out of the crisis begins within.
Questions to Reflect On
If you think you’re experiencing a midlife sexuality crisis, start by answering these questions:
What characteristics attract me sexually to others?
Are those characteristics related to reproduction?
Do I find myself sexually attractive now?
Did I find myself sexually attractive 10 years ago?
What characteristics in myself do (or did) I find the sexiest?
These questions can help you see how sexuality and reproduction are connected for you and clarify the conflict between your internal and external experiences.
For Example:
If you believe that your smooth skin and full lips are your most sexually appealing traits, you might feel compelled to preserve them at all costs—through cosmetic procedures, surgeries, or filters—or withdraw from social situations entirely.
Sexuality crises tied to appearance often hit hardest for those who were extremely attractive in their youth, as they’ve tied their sex appeal to their youthful looks.
Moving Beyond the Crisis
Every transition represents both an end and a beginning. A midlife sexuality crisis is an opportunity to switch from the mainstream to individuality. You can intentionally step away from collective unconscious sex drives and focus on your unique self.
The most practical solution for a midlife sexuality crisis is to work on self-perception.
Freed from societal pressures to procreate, you can explore your sexuality in a new light—one that emphasizes personal identity rather than reproductive capability. You can also discover unique ways to deeply connect with romantic partners.
Most importantly, you may find that your libido doesn’t disappear because you’re holding on to the past. Instead, it reappears in a new form—one you never imagined was possible.
More to follow…
Photo by Gantas Vaičiulėnas
