Do You Love Yourself?
There’s a lot of talk about how important self-love is. But what is it even about?
Is it about treating yourself kindly? Setting boundaries?
Where is the line between self-love and narcissism?
Do I love myself when I binge-watch shows?
Do I hate myself when I go on a diet?
How do I even love myself when my kid is sick, and I have to leave for a business trip?
“Self-Love is Knowing Yourself and Taking Responsibility for Your Own Growth”
According to Erich Fromm, love means to know and to care.
In the context of self-love, this means:
Knowing and accepting myself – FIRST! I accept myself as I am at this moment. I recognize that what happened—happened, and my past has shaped my present reality. I know my strengths, my weaknesses, my age, my education, my abilities, my roots, my health. I see myself calmly and realistically. I keep learning about myself.
Caring about myself – SECOND! I do things and care to grow and improve. To be strong. To look good. To be financially independent. To be healthy. To be fit. To be a good partner, parent, child, and friend. To learn more. To visit new places. To age gracefully.
I see the main confusion about self-love in the order of operations.
Do you remember PEMDAS?
In math, multiplication comes before addition.
If you mess up the order, your answer is wrong.
The same goes for self-love—if you try to improve before you accept yourself, you won’t get good results.
But what happens instead?
Many people believe they must be worthy of love before they can love themselves.
Like, once I’m rich and famous, I’ll love myself.
Or,
How can I love and accept myself being such a loser?
Which means, while you’re not rich, not famous, and not successful—you don’t love yourself.
The problem? If you don’t love yourself as you are, there’s no real chance for you to change.
And frankly, life is miserable when you don’t love yourself. Ask your psychologist.
So, if you “hate” yourself or constantly “beat yourself up,” understand that you won’t get very far.
You’ll sabotage yourself, you’ll lose to your competitors, you’ll drain your energy, and you’ll self-medicate.
Self-Love PEMDAS Test
Look at yourself in the mirror (preferably naked, but a regular bathroom mirror will do).
As you look, see if you can just stand there, observing yourself.
First, start by looking at your physical appearance—your face, your hair, your body.
Then, as you look into your own eyes, go beyond appearances—who are you as a person?
Don’t force a “nice” facial expression, don’t lift the corners of your lips, don’t turn your face to the “good” angle.
Notice how quickly your mind jumps to your imperfections, wanting to fix them.
How fast do you start thinking: I have to lose 5 pounds. I need a haircut. This pimple is horrific—I need a patch. I look so tired—I need more sleep. It’s all because of that stupid boss. I need to quit. I deserve better.
The time it takes before you start “fixing” yourself reveals your true level of self-acceptance.
If you cannot tolerate your own reflection as it is, without immediately wanting to change it, you do not fully accept or love yourself.
You avoid and escape your real self. You withhold your own love until better times.
But better times are not guaranteed.
What is certain is that who you are today—the real you—is not loved.
Bring your love back.
